


Cryptogramology and Other Useless* Approaches to Meaningful Communication

by light_rises



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Autistic Character, Family, Friendship, Gen, Mentions of Harassment, Pre-Sburb, sensory issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-22
Updated: 2013-12-22
Packaged: 2018-01-05 12:30:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1093893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/light_rises/pseuds/light_rises
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It happens a few days after your dad stops talking to you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cryptogramology and Other Useless* Approaches to Meaningful Communication

**Author's Note:**

  * For [telluricThanatologist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/telluricThanatologist/gifts).



It happens a few days after your dad stops talking to you.

Well okay, that's kind of an OVERSTATEMENT. He still has plenty of things to say and will rumble some tender and generally fatherly tones at you like a man giving someone a quick "HEADS UP" before hurling a sack of potatoes in their direction like it's no big thing because, y'know, fair warning and all.

See, that was the thing. Your dad has Things to say about indoor voices but doesn't seem to have one himself. His voice rumbles -- it's the word that keeps coming to mind so you're using it again -- it rumbles around the room, whatever room it is. It rumbles and grates at your ears weirdly, like it's a weight pressing in on you made out of noise noise _noise_.

You told him as much then, that few days ago. A look crossed his face that you can't describe or recall really, except for how the creases fanning out from his nostrils sort of flattened out. Then he lit one up and piped down. Literally.

Since then he's been leaving you these notes. They are all very Dad: they smell a little tobacco-y, cut out in neat rectangles on that one carbon paper that doesn't scream a smidgen too brightly at you like the others do and that rasps nicely under your fingertips, like if playing cards were really really thin and probably 50 times as prone to tearing. The words are typewritten, letters centered and stodgy and shouty and... really _there_ somehow. Like... extra there? In a grounded sort of way, you guess.

It's weird. It's also preferable to the words knocking about in the air like rowdy houseguests (like the people Dad probably works with -- oh, ha ha _ooooh you get it_ , no wonder he's so loud!).

That's the state of things though, and it has everything to do with what you woke up to a few moments ago.

The note was neatly folded and tucked under your forearm -- you must have sprawled it onto the pillowspace beside your head while you slept? Eh. You're still rubbing the sleep out of your eyes as you paw the other side of your bed for your second pair. Jesus, did you kick them into that gap between your bed and the wall agaNO WAIT, okay, here we go.

You slap the glasses on and work the cricks out of your jaw with a yawn as you read:  
   
 

HAPPY SATURDAY, SON.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, IT MEANS YOU HAVE INDULGED IN AN ADDITIONAL DOSE OF WELL-EARNED REST AFTER A TOUGH WEEK OF SCHOOLWORK. THIS IS VERY WISE AND I AM SO, SO PROUD OF YOU.

YOU WILL ALSO BE READING THIS IF I HAVE ALREADY LEFT FOR A BRIEF TRIP OUT OF TOWN. I'M AFRAID THE APPOINTMENT WAS UNAVOIDABLE, BUT I SHOULD BE RETURNING IN TIME FOR DINNER.

BREAKFAST: PANCAKE BATTER IN FRIDGE, TOP SHELF, SITUATED FRONT AND CENTER. I TRUST YOU TO TAKE IT FROM THERE.

LUNCH: LEFT OF BATTER BOWL, CHICKEN MACARONI CASSEROLE IN CONTAINER WITH GREEN LID. ADDITIONAL NOTE THAT CONTAINER IS IN FACT A GLASS ONE RATHER THAN A CONVINCING PLASTIC MIMIC. I CONSIDERED THIS POSSIBILITY KNOWING YOU WOULD APPRECIATE THE RUSE. REFRAINED SINCE I APPRECIATE UNSCATHED OVEN RACKS EVEN MORE.

FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE CASSEROLE TAPED TO NON-OVENSAFE LID OF CONTAINER. DON'T OPEN THE DOOR TO STRANGERS (PREEMPTIVE DISCLAIMER THAT I WILL NOT BE WEARING A CLEVER DISGUISE UPON MY RETURN).

BE SAFE, SON. JUST FOR TODAY: BAFBEGCE BE A ABDFGE; TAKE CARE TO SWEEP THE CORNER.

   
   
... Well that didn't end on a slightly incomprehensible note at all! Also, Dad's messages aren't usually this long?

Whatever. The food's covered until dinnertime and you've got the house to yourself for a good stretch of hours.

All to yourself. Pancakes won't make themselves like that.

You grin, slide off the bed, set the note on what would've been your nightstand if there was enough room between your bed and the door for it. Breakfast can come later. Like the old man said, this is a Saturday.

Like hell if you won't take advantage of that.

\--

UNPARALLELED FREEDOM may be at the cornerstone of today's agenda, but that doesn't mean you are going to give your morning routine the stiff! It's been Codified Egbert Household Law since you were old enough to hold a spoon to your gob: NEVER GIVE THE MORNING ROUTINE THE STIFF.

And so it goes: get dressed, socks on, wash up, brush your teeth, shoes on (always if going out; otherwise optional). It's open to some flexibility, and by "flexibility" you mean brainstorms that catch you in the middle of a task. Today it's getting a TOTALLY SWEET idea for a ^CAKE program you want to put together. Teeth-brushing takes about three times as long while you pace between the bathroom and your bedroom, stringing together patches of code as they come to you.

You've returned to your room for good by the time you realize you've been walking on the balls of your feet. Your heels touch ground with a sheepish _plof_ even though no one is around to see.

Right right, okay! Shoes next -- well nah, maybe not this time. While you're at it WHY SOCKS for that matter???? Haha yeeeah, that's right, this is _your pad_ now. So long, suckers, hope you enjoy the space that's kind of halfway under the bed!! (Insert HELLA shades.)

... You spend about ten seconds staring at them before they're snatched up, rolled and deposited neatly into your sneakers. What can you say? Floor flotsam bugs you.

That nonsense squared away, you situate yourself at the computer. The baking-terms-based programming language. It beckons.

You give Movie Poster Bruce Willis a curt nod and Movie Poster Liv Tyler a little wave/lopsided-smile combo as the screen wakes up, then dual-launch NoteJot and Pesterchum. No one's online yet, so you switch to "invisible". Concentration is KEY but you like to keep your options open.

This winning strategy becomes relevant about fifteen minutes in ( _fuckfuckfuck you hate debugging why do you keep textwalling chunks of this shit weren't you paying attention????? aaaaaggggaghhHGHGHGHHHH_ ). RIGHT OKAY MINIMIZING THIS GODLESS SINKHOLE TO THE TASKBAR BEEEEEEEEEEeewoop, bye.

(That sound effect did not pass between your lips.) (Not at all.)

Your chumroll still looks desolate in the "chums who are actually online" sense. But hmmm. You wonder...

You switch statuses. A polite interval of twenty-something seconds passes before someone else blinks online.

  
\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--  
GT: ha!!! HA!!!!  
GT: i knew it.  
TT: And a hello to you too, John.  
GT: ooooh no, don't think i can't see through that!  
TT: Through what? An admittedly pass-aggro commentary with regards to your lack of a proper greeting?  
GT: side-stepping, rose.  
GT: side-stepping the fact that what you just pulled there?  
GT: TOTALLY obvious invisi-pester-creeping.  
TT: That's quite the compound.  
GT: it is. such is the weight of the matter at hand.  
TT: I'll take that as my cue to point out the inherent hypocrisy of your accusations.  
TT: Since the conclusion it draws and the fact that *you* drew it comes laden with the implications that, you know.  
TT: You were creeping first.  
GT: pssssh.  
TT: You're not denying it.  
GT: it is in the name, rose.  
GT: i mean like, in the chum handle sense.  
GT: but yeah, there's no denying nothin' here.  
TT: ...  
TT: Let's hope this comes across with the intended effect straight off:  
TT: I Don't Know What I Was Expecting.  
GT: :D :D :D  
TT: Imagine a divergence, though.  
TT: Somewhere around "such is the weight of the matter at hand."  
TT: A universe, if you will, wherein I decided to counter with-  
TT: "What, John?  
TT: "Is it so hard to believe my sense of timing is simply that impeccable?  
TT: "Or that my worst sin is suffering from a sixth sense that I sometimes may or may not ruthlessly deploy for the sake of empathy and companionable good cheer?"  
GT: hmmmmmmmm.  
GT: "impossible!"  
GT: "unpossible, even."  
GT: "as we all know, fortunetelling is the sole domain of storybooks and weird late night tv charlitans."  
GT: "neither of which you are, because you are both real and not a swindler."  
TT: "Barring the possibility that I will somehow become magic for real."  
GT: "whiiiich you won't."  
GT: "like, ever."  
TT: "Such skepticism!"  
GT: "more like SUCH LIVING IN THE REAL WORLD."  
GT: also when did this become a roleplay.  
TT: When I decided to travel back in time.  
GT: heh. naturally.  
GT: but ok enough of that, because guess what?  
GT: i have got  
GT: the WHOLE HOUSE  
GT: to myself until dinner tonight. :D  
TT: Huh.  
TT: Consider my brows raised to you in congratulations.  
GT: thank you.  
GT: what have you been up to?  
TT: Not much.  
TT: Aside from the looming gauntlet of submitting my vote for either Balto or Surf's Up by tonight's deadline.  
TT: The timeless animated classics broker no easy choice here.  
GT: oh man. that's right, jade's stream party thing is tonight, isn't it.  
GT: uhh.  
TT: John?  
GT: man, it's just...  
GT: i'm not really feeling it? at least with those movie choices.  
TT: Hmmm.  
TT: Well, if you can screw up the gumption, there's no time like the present.  
GT: what do you mean?  
TT: Jade's online.  
TT: We've been chatting with invisble mode engaged for about an hour now.  
GT: what!!  
TT: She's open to any takers, by the way.  
TT: Who, you know,  
TT: Aren't trolls.  
GT: ... ha.  
GT: yeah, i guess that makes sense.  
TT: Then off you go.  
TT: While off I go to acquire some hot chocolate.  
TT: Woe be unto us all if the attempt isn't sufficiently stealth.  
\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is now an idle chum! --  


 

  
\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--  
GT: hi jade!  
GG: oh hey john!!! :D  
GT: ok, be straight up with me.  
GT: did rose let you know that i knew you were online before she brb'd?  
GG: hmmmmmmmm...  
GG: nah, i dont remember her bringing that up :o  
GT: oh.  
GG: but i figured as much when she told me what you thought about the stream party  
GT: what!!!!  
GG: jooooohn it wasnt THAT hard of a conclusion to draw ;|  
GT: no, i mean,  
GT: i didn't give rose the ok to tell you about that for me!  
GG: ooooh  
GG: well i think she was just trying to help? it can be kind of an awkward thing to bring up  
GG: which it isnt in this case since i dont particularly mind  
GT: i guess, but...  
GT: i dunno, it kinda makes it look like i was cagey about the whole thing when i wasn't? and she had made it sound like i would be the one to tell you in the first place.  
GT: bluhhhhh i'm being stupid about this.  
GG: no no thats a fair point!  
GG: i guess it got a little unnecessarily complicated :D;  
GT: haha, yeah.  
GT: but like, what you said up there...  
GT: are you really okay with me dropping out from the stream party?  
GG: of course!! i get it john :)  
GG: well, i mean, in terms of the decision to excuse yourself as you see fit  
GT: ...  
GG: ...  
GT: ... :|a...  
GG: joooooooooooohn  
GT: jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaade  
GG: SIIIighhhh  
GG: i guess... i mind it more than i had thought? :c  
GG: its just!! you always used to be up for watching cartoons with us, i dont know what happened  
GT: oh man. jade.  
GT: i'm just not really into them any more!  
GT: i mean nothing personal, but at this point in our lives they are too...  
GT: well. kids' stuff.  
GT: y'know?  
GG: john were twelve :|  
GT: EXACTLY.  
GT: i mean, has it ever occurred to you how DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO TEENDOM that is??  
GT: teendom is the land of pg-13, jade.  
GT: think about that. cartoon movies don't come in pg-13.  
GG: ok thats not true if you know where to look, but thats beside the point!!!  
GG: what about manga? i know youre still reading one piece and thats plenty cartoony >:O  
GT: jade, we're talking about cute talking animals versus people being SHOT IN THE HEAD and surviving increasingly ludicrous attempts on their life.  
GG: one piece has cute talking animals  
GT: and... ?  
GG: do we need to discuss the demographics it is aimed at again  
GT: no. no we do not.  
GG: >:T  
GT: >8T  
GG: this is silly  
GT: yeah, it kinda is.  
GG: ... hrmmmm :[  
GG: i am still a little sad though tbh  
GG: with our timezone issues and such i always really look forward to when we can all talk to each other at the same time, you know?  
GT: ... yeah.  
GG: BUT!! that shouldnt come at the expense of making you watch something you dont want to, john  
GG: so its ok :) we will have other movie nights together!  
GT: if you say so...  
GG: .................... X|  
GG: ugghhghghhh  
GT: ??????  
GT: what's wrong?  
GG: i guess you could say...  
GG: the jig is up X[  
\-- gardenGnostic [GG] is now an active chum! --  
GT: wait, you mean... ?  
GG: yeah  
GG: one of them found me  
GT: DDD:  
GT: maybe you could just ignore them???  
GG: oh ive been doing that for about three minutes  
GG: but now theyre starting to send me links.....  
GG: aaaaand a lot of them prominently feature  
GG: um  
GG: giant horse dongs o_o;;  
GT: ...  
GT: jade, please tell me you're joking.  
GG: you have no idea how much i wish i was trying to prank you right now john  
GT: jesus christ.  
GG: hnnnnnnnn  
GG: gtg for a bit to deal with this  
GG: wish me luck in warding them off :'''|  
GT: oh man, HELL yes jade.  
GT: be careful with those creeps!  
GG: i will!! <3333 see you soon!  
\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] \--  


   
You get a move on with making breakfast after that. The journey downstairs and into the kitchen strikes you as eerily calm until you realize why. You can't hear it from your room, at least not normally. But as close as the hallway outside it, your dad's presence floods the void between walls and furniture and clo -- _harlequin_ landmarks with ambient noise. Except for right now when he isn't here to watch TV, dook around with whatever-it-is in his office, or smoke his pipe.

He isn't here to clatter about the kitchen either, but doing it yourself helps for a while.

You go through the motions of what he's taught you and what you've observed to get the pancakes going (medallion-sized, the way you like 'em best). The interlude between ladling the batter and flipping the cakes from Side One is spent glaring at a box of cake mix that Dad left out. The second one -- Side 2 -- is spent reading off the box aloud, at first absently, then deliberately in the loudest and croakiest voice you can muster (here's hoping the Batterwitch felt _that_ disturbance in the CrockerForce).

Eating is when the air begins to settle into Too Quiet again. You're not quite enough by yourself. At least not if it isn't cooking. Cooking can be a one-man job. This...

You're more than ready for another round with Pesterchum by the time you've cleaned up and put the dishes away. Though by the looks of your chumroll, no one else is.

Bluhhhhhhhhhh.

There's some parting messages at least:

  
\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is now an idle chum! --  
TT: Captain's log, stardate not even an authentic stab at this because I'm not exactly the Big Damn Nerd you are about it (except if we're discussing Cpt. Janeway):  
TT: The mission to acquire hot chocolate was a success, though compromised in the late stages of victory.  
TT: Which is to say, I'm about five minutes away from embarking on a sudden excursion to Macy's Herald Square with Mom.  
TT: In the event I fail to return with either my dignity or body intact - or, likely, both - I leave you every tome on cryptozoology that I own, including those I've sent that you still have in your possession.  
TT: Along with the on-going admonition to never breathe a word about the (minor) affiliation I alluded to via the framing device for this spate of missives.  
TT: My ghost will find a way to both exist *and* haunt you, John Egbert.  
TT: Captain out.  
\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] \--

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] \--  
TG: so hey im finally awake  
TG: the point where id think about launching into a spiel about the theoretics of the ~wild night~ i had would go here if you werent so blatantly unaround to springboard me into it  
TG: i guess i could try anyway  
TG: ...  
TG: naaaah not feelin it  
TG: scool though i can wait  
TG: sit around and smell the proverbial hummus while im at it  
TG: except i sort of fucking hate hummus even in the proverbial sense  
TG: ughh  
TG: extra points for grossing myself out in record time????  
TG: yeah anyway ill be here  
TG: like probably not sitting tight the whole time and double probably being in and out of here  
TG: but in a physical sense ill be hovering around the computer the whole day  
TG: well ok i have my phone too but lets face it pchum mobile blows goddamn monkey chunks in every conceivable direction  
TG: but yeah hmu when you get the chance dude  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has become an idle chum! --  


   
You consider taking Dave up on the "hmu", but then it hits you that Jade hasn't said anything since she went to go take care of her troll. She looks like she's offline.

The prick of concern wins out.

  
\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--  
GT: hey jade, everything ok there?  
GT: if you're around i should be too, at least for a while.  


   
Two, three, five minutes. The prick grows and starts to mix with the looming press of boredom. Leaning back as far as you dare and spinning the chair around takes the edge off for, like, thirty seconds. Maybe.

This is tipping over into negative fun, isn't it.

(Double bluhhhhhhhhhh.)

You shoot to your feet and are about two seconds away from retrieving a deck of cards from the set-of-drawers-that's-not-your-nightstand when you glimpse Dad's note again. It's still propped in the lopsided fold you left it in earlier.

Oh yeah, that cryptic last sentence thing. Maybe now that you're, you know, _fully awake_ , it'll prove slightly less unintelligible?

Alllllright, another go at this --  
   
 

JUST FOR TODAY: BAFBEGCE BE A ABDFGE; TAKE CARE TO SWEEP THE CORNER.

   
   
...

Ha ha YEAH, okay, you're pretty sure this is just Dad working his randomass faux-whimsy. _God_.

...

...

Or... maybe not? Something is nagging at you about that weird letter bouquet. Something that -- for the sake of mixing metaphors you didn't mean to make in the first place -- is giving off a moderately pungent whiff of _Hello there, I am a puzzle_.

Huh. If your dad were less of a "direct and physical means of subterfuge" guy, you probably would've figured it out sooner. But that's okay. You are plenty game for this.

You trace dark fingers (too long and weirdly tapered at the ends, urgh) beneath the letters in question. First determination: "BAFBEGCE BE A ABDFGE" is NOT a word jumble, at least you don't think. But that's not even skirting the edges of what's bugging you about it, so yeah, that was a nice waste of WAIT. Wait.

These run from A to G. They're musical notes.

You try to run through the melody and your fingers idly follow along in midair -- for the two-ish seconds it lasts because _Jesus_ that was awful. That can't be right. They're definitely musical notes, just not of the song-making kind?? Unless they're stand-ins for something else, but then what would --

Oh. Oh _god dammit_.

\-- Open Dialoglog --

JOHN: _this is a fucking cryptogram_.   
????: yeah i havent the foggiest here but i dont wanna know how its possible either   


   
It's a miracle you didn't jump out of your skin in literal fashion, is what you'll think later. Right now you're just a dude who's scrambling to his computer and waiting for his pulse to level out.  
 

  
GT: you almost gave me a heart attack you jackass!!!  
TG: hey i wasnt the jackass who left his mic on  
GT: :|  
TG: let me rephrase that  
TG: i wasnt the jackass who left his mic on by accident  
TG: then wandered off like the fucking doofus who talked to himself and didnt expect a disembodied voice to respond in kind that he is  
TG: relatedly dude why did you turn yours off we should do a vid chat  
GT: dave, you KNOW the video chat function works like shit on my computer.  
TG: given that the variable here is your shit computer  
TG: then yeah tru  
GT: what's that dave??? i can't hear you above the PBBBBPBPBBPBBBT  
GT: so much PBBBBBBBBPBBPBBBBBBBBBTTT  
TG: anyway im glad you didnt die or anything  
TG: double anyway whats up with that cryptowhatever you were ranting about  
GT: ughh, it's just my dad being a cagey weirdo.  
TG: oh  
TG: so the ush then  
GT: i guess. i dunno...  
GT: the way he approached this was pretty sloppy!  
GT: like, musical cryptograms are still supposed to SOUND like music even though they're enciphering something?  
GT: but the notes he gave me just add up to a bunch of nonsense. :/  
TG: whoa ok you cant just lay that on me without showing the sucky music deets  
GT: yeah yeah, give me a sec...  
GT: BAFBEGCE BE A ABDFGE  
TG: hahahahahahaha  
TG: oh my god  
GT: i know????  
TG: ok so....  
TG: "uncharacteristically sloppy" means one of two things here  
GT: oh?  
TG: yes  
TG: a)  
TG: the "uncharacteristically" was a facade ALL ALONG  
TG: and your dads inner slob has risen to the surface like a chestburster with slightly better manners and less death than usual  
GT: ew.  
TG: or b)  
TG: he was in a hurry or s/t  
GT: hmmmm.  
GT: his note did sort of look like it was rushed along...  
GT: and it was longer than usual. he only rambles when he's kind of harried and short on time.  
TG: well hey there you go  
TG: i mean id ask him about it too considering how offensive this was to your delicate puzzle shit sensibilities  
TG: your dad strikes me as the type to appreciate the feedback  
GT: dude, no, this is A PUZZLE.  
GT: you don't shit around with puzzle-solving in our household.  
GT: also he's gone for the day.  
TG: yeah fair enough  
TG: though riddle me this poirot  
TG: does said shitting around exclude the use of supplemental materials in ways that some of us watching at home might consider  
TG: cheating??????  
GT: of course not.  
GT: speaking of which, brb while i do a wiki run to figure out the encipherment here.  
TG: sure im not going anywhere  
TG: have fun and keep your nose clean  
GT: :P  
\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] is now an idle chum! --  
GT: OMFG  
GT: "PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE"  
GT: REALLY, DAD.  
GT: REALLY?????  
GT: YOU PUT ME THROUGH ALL THAT FOR SOMETHING I PROBABLY GOT OUT OF A FORTUNE COOKIE LAST WEEK.  
GT: UNBELIEVABLE!!!  
GT: ...  
GT: actually,  
GT: it kind of IS believable.  
GT: god he is such a cornball.  
GT: but i still don't know what "TAKE CARE TO SWEEP THE CORNER" is supposed to mean!  
GT: ughhhgghh.  
GT: ... uh  
GT: dave?  
GT: hello??????  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] is now an idle chum! --  
GT: 8/  


   
You're at the precipice of typing out a CERTAIN SURNAME-BASED EPITHET when another one of your chums pings you.  
 

  
\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--  
GT: hey jade, everything ok there?  
GT: if you're around i should be too, at least for a while.  
GG: JOHN!!!!  
GG: john please dont panic, it may look bad for a few minutes but its going to be ok, i promise! D:  
GT: whoa jade!!  
GT: are you alright?  
GG: huh?? yeah of course i am! i was just  
GG:  
GT: ...  
GG: ummmm  
GG: so  
GG: that is to say........  
GG: you are not panicking at the moment?  
GT: umm,  
GT: not really, no??  
GG: ahhhhh  
GG: so that must not have  
GG: oh  
GG: oh dear o_o  
GT: ?????  
GG: juuuust give me a few minutes here  
GT: ... ok.  
GG: <3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
\-- gardenGnostic [GG] is now an idle chum! --  
GT: ...  
GG: back!!!  
GT: jade that was really weird.  
GG: ughhhh im sorry john  
GG: i had sort of just woken up from a nap, so i didnt really have my bearings yet ~_~  
GT: ohhh. ok.  
GT: you mentioned something about not panicking...  
GT: were you having a nightmare?  
GG: thaaat........  
GG: is a good way of putting it, yes @_@  
GT: :(  
GG: on the bright side it looks like my troll is gone!  
GT: oh! really?  
GG: yeah! :D  
GG: i was a little worried at first, because i wound up falling asleep in the middle of telling him off...  
GG: buuut i guess that worked out since he seems to be offline now!  
GT: heheh. he probably got bored waiting around for you to keep yelling at him.  
GG: hahaha yeah  
GG: and to THAT i say  
GG: good  
GG: riddance >:D  
GT: hell  
GT: to the yes. >B)  
GG: >B))))  
GT: hey jade...  
GT: is it alright if i go quiet for a while?  
GT: i'm still trying to figure out this riddle thing my dad left me.  
GG: oh! yeah, sure john :O  
GT: thx!  
GG: if you dont mind though i might be able to help!  
GT: i dunno, maybe...  
GT: does "PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE; TAKE CARE TO SWEEP THE CORNER" mean anything to you?  
GG: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm  
GT: the first part was encrypted, but i don't think that really matters at this point.  
GG: well...  
GG: i get the feeling that both parts are related, but maybe not as much as you might think?  
GG: if that makes sense :\  
GT: maybe??  
GT: aghhhhhhhhh.  
GT: i kind of wish dad had just done his normal thing and booby trapped the note to fling a pie at me or something.  
GG: hehehe  
GT: jade, this is no longer a laughing matter.  
GG: i dunno john, your dad seems like a pretty funny guy!  
GT: he is infuriating!!!  
GT: and really embarrassing.  
GT: and WAY louder than any dad has a right to be.  
GG: louder? D:  
GT: yes.  
GT: WAIT, no, i mean-  
GT: i don't mean like, "yelling at me all the time" louder, if that's what you were thinking.  
GT: the words are ok, at least when he isn't being unseemly in public and showing baby pictures or something...  
GT: it is just that the volume is always set on  
GT: well  
GT: shouty.  
GG: ... :0 ...  
GT: ngh.  
GT: i don't really want to talk about this any more.  
GG: oh sure, thats fine!! i wont keep prying  
GT: thanks.  
GG: <333!  
GG: ...  
GG: you know john......  
GG: "sweep" could have more than one meaning here  
GT: ... OH.  
GT: yeah!!!  
GT: like, "sweeping the corner" as in cleaning it...  
GG: oooooooooor  
GG: searching it >:D  
GT: ...  
GT: ...  
GT: jade,  
GT: brb.  
GG: :D :D :D :D  
GG: good luck!!!  
\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] is now an idle chum! --  


   
You give your room a once-over before starting. Nothing looks to be out of place, but this is just the cursory stuff! You can't trust your dad to be obvious here, any more than you can trust him to keep the learning curve for this exercise in riddlery gentle and coaxing and (thus far) free of consequence.

Behind your bed, the set of drawers, your workstation: fine, fine, aaaand fine. You eye your McConaughey wall (but not the McConaugheys, _never_ the McConaugheys) with suspicion, then approach it accordingly. The posters all seem ship-shape, watching over the clustertowers of Rose Books as they have been for the past two weeks. You didn't have a place to store the books the way you'd like, so you just sort of made a citadel out of them to wall in your magic chest.

You think Rose would appreciate the juxta. Or at least the attempt at a spooky castle thing built to guard SECRET MAJYYKS.

... A job, it is now occuring to you, that it has failed at.

You make a strangled noise that's a million times smaller than you feel as you stomp back to your desktop.

  
GT: RAAARARRAAUUUAAAAUUAGHGHGGHGGGGHHGH  
GG: O___O  
GG: john??????  
GT: IT'S GONE IT'S  
GT: it's gone  
GT: my magic chest is missing!!!  
GG: !!!! DDDDD:  
GT: how in the HELL did i miss that before now???  
GT: oh my god.  
GG: this is probably going to be a dumb question but just in case...  
GG: are you sure you didnt misplace it??  
GT: jade, it's a little over half as tall as me!  
GG: ....  
GG: ..........  
GT: ...  
GT: jade. please don't.  
GG: no no youre right!!  
GG: that is still a very considerably sized object to keep track of!  
GG: even with all things considered  
GT: ... >:(...  
GG: ._.a  
GT: siIIIGN.  
GT: i just...  
GT: i can't believe he actually did that.  
GG: mmmm  
GG: well, you guys do seem to get pretty tricky around each other a lot...  
GT: no no, you don't understand.  
GT: my dad has only ever brought stuff *into* my room to prank me with!  
GT: he's never taken anything out.  
GT: something's wrong.  
GG: :CC  
GG: i wish i knew what to tell you john  
GT:   
GT: shit.  
GG: ??? what?  
GT: i just thought  
GT: well.  
GT: i sort of told him about the voice thing the other day.  
GT: and thinking back on it, "told" might have been more like...  
GT: snapped at him.  
GG: oooh jeez D:  
GT: "oooh jeez" is right.  
GT: god. he's probably been pissed at me this whole time and i didn't even notice... ??  
GG: hmmmmmm  
GG: tbh im not sure that sounds right either john  
GT: i guess. maybe.  
GT: i don't really know any more.  
GT: ... oh my god.  
GT: what if he doesn't come back.  
GG: whaaaaat????  
GT: he might be that mad at me jade!  
GG: NO!!!  
GG: okay, no, now that EXTRA doesnt sound right at all!!!!  
GG: your dad *has* to come back...... :(  
GT: nghh.  
GT: yeah. you're probably right.  
GT: ughhh i don't know why this is getting me all panicky!!  
GG: ... well...  
GG: i think its pretty reasonable to feel out of sorts when a lot of things you are used to being one way are suddenly different, if you ask me  
GT: hmmm.  
GT: i guess that makes sense.  
GG: and anyway, maybe it would be a good idea to check the rest of your house first?  
GG: in case he just hid your magic chest somewhere else!  
GT: yeah, good point...  
GT: though if dad has it in his room, i'm pretty much screwed. 8|  
GG: 8''|  
GG: may we hope for the best  
GT: WAY yes.  
GT: talk to you later, then?  
GG: sure! <333 see you john :)  
\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--  


   
You spend the next hours coming as close as you dare to turning the house inside-out, then breaking for a lunch you spend as much on your feet and poking your head into cabinets for the umpteenth time as you do sitting down, _then_ starting over from the top.

You comb over everything in reverse order from your first go-around. You dig out the god damn metal detector and suffer through keeping a stranglehold on it as it rattles like a possessed weasel because you'll be damned if you don't at least perform a circuit outisde.

Nothing. Well, discounting the statue of Joseph you dug up near the power meter, but you're not interested unless it can help with something other than dubiously mystical home sales and smelling kind of moldy. The stuff you'd kept stored inside your chest is no less AWOL either.

And the literal last place to look that doesn't involve a trek through the neighborhood or taking a bus is 110 PERCENT OFF LIMITS.

(Bluhhhhhhhhhh^3.)

At the end of it all -- somewhere around five PM and darkening quick -- you've deposited yourself on the living room couch in a sprawl, belly up. You're noticing how far up the ceiling is for the first time, that it's probably been stucco and popcorn-spikey all along, then proceed to forget about it because what is even the fucking point.

... The point.

It might be that Dad could be home any minute now and you don't know how to feel about that.

Or that quiet is nice sometimes but too much of it sucks, it _really sucks_ , and how dumb is it that you've got the TV on right now just to keep it at bay??

Or that you're still clutching this oldass statue of some dead dude (who you don't know much about, except that he and his teen wife were basically window dressing for someone's else magic) for no good reason.

It might be all of the above. Or maybe even HA HA HA NOPE NOT GOING THERE!!! IN FACT BREAK'S TIME OVER, FORGET THAT YOU LITERALLY HAVE NO WHERE ELSE TO hey, was that the phone.

You pick it up after the customary two-ring wait.

\-- Open Phonelog --

JOHN: hello?   
????: Three guesses.   
JOHN: what-   
????: The first two don't count, because the third consists of about fifty fucking layers of tulle and no hope of surfacing until Mom has satisfied whatever Chic Lolita deathwish she's decided to pass onto me.   
JOHN: ...  
JOHN: ... _rose????_   
ROSE: In the flesh. So to speak.   
JOHN: heh.  
JOHN: so it's more like...  
JOHN: IN THE VOICE.   
ROSE: ...  
ROSE: ... Pff.   
JOHN: i heard that!!   
ROSE: Your voice is  
ROSE: About what I expected, for what it's worth.   
JOHN: yours sounds almost...  
JOHN: perky. 8O   
ROSE: It's a pretty effective disguise, I like to think.  
ROSE: The mass of common and socialite humanity I'm bumping up against here don't suspect a thing.   
JOHN: pssssh. sure, rose.  
JOHN: man, what phone are you even using there? and why are you calling now???   
ROSE: To the first, it's my mom's.  
ROSE: One perk of our means of altercation is that she'll always let me use it if I ask nicely enough.  
ROSE: To the second,  
ROSE: And to be honest,  
ROSE: I kind of needed to vent.   
JOHN: sounds pretty heavy.   
ROSE: Weight has nothing to do with it.  
ROSE: Well, mostly. Did I mention that satin's a pain in the ass too?   
JOHN: :D   
ROSE: Though I guess it didn't occur to me that this might be a bad time?   
JOHN: oh man, no! actually...   
ROSE: Yeah?   
JOHN: ... ehhhhn. forget it.  
JOHN: it's just cool to hear from you! and to know that you have yet to die from blunt-force fashion trauma.   
ROSE: Hey, the night's still young.   
JOHN: though aren't you burning all kinds of minutes on this call?  
JOHN: i mean like, expensive ones. this is pretty long-distance!   
ROSE: Mom benefits from an improbably flexible wireless package.  
ROSE: You know. For Reasons.   
JOHN: of course.   
ROSE: ... Though speaking of improbabilities,  
ROSE: I must confess to having been a little less than transparent with you.   
JOHN: oh?   
ROSE: I'm sort of fronting for another ulterior motive.  
ROSE: Which is to say, I ran across someone whose cell phone had died and rather appreciated the opportunity to make use of one via stranger.  
ROSE: Or near, as it were.  
ROSE: Not that he knows. I'd hate for him to feel creepy.   
JOHN: wait, what?   
ROSE: One sec.   
JOHN: ...  
JOHN: ...  
JOHN: uhh.   
???: JOHN?   


   
You perform a spectacularly sloppy SWEET CATCH after you drop the receiver.  
 

  
JOHN: DAD?????   
DAD: HELLO.  
DAD: ARE YOU DOING WELL, SON?   
JOHN: I GUESS, EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT YOU'RE IN NEW YORK?????  
JOHN: AND AT MACY'S FOR SOME REASON????????   
DAD: AHHH WELL, IT WAS HARD TO SAY NO TO THE CLARION CALL OF SILK TIES.  
DAD: THEY'RE HAVING A BLOWOUT AND THEY CARRY A VERY FINE ARRAY AT THIS PARTICULAR LOCATION.   
JOHN: oh my god.   
DAD: THOUGH I DON'T MEAN TO IMPLY THIS AS THE REASON FOR MY TRIP.  
DAD: THAT WOULD BE SILLY. AND HIGHLY IRRESPONSIBLE.   
JOHN: so then...  
JOHN: what exactly are you doing there??   
DAD: ON A TOP SECRET MISSION.  
DAD: OR  
DAD: IT HAD BEEN ONE, RATHER, UNTIL IT OCCURRED TO M-  
DAD: ...  
DAD: JOHN,  
DAD: ARE YOU HOLDING THE RECEIVER AWAY FROM YOUR EAR?   
JOHN: ...  
JOHN:   
JOHN: ... uhh.  
JOHN: ha ha what, NO!! no, what gave you that-   
DAD: SON.  
DAD:   
DAD: ... Is this better?   


   
Something clenches tight under the dead center of your chest.  
 

  
JOHN: ... dad.  
JOHN: you don't have to do that.   
DAD: In a strict sense, yes, this is true.  
DAD: But a father will do his best to balance his "have to"s and "wants".  
DAD: This is both, John. Because it's important to me that you feel comfortable when the words we share carry that sort of weight.   
JOHN: ...   
DAD: On a related note:  
DAD: I wanted to give you a call as soon as possible, because it has occurred to me that  
DAD: Well.  
DAD: I may have been remiss in some of the judgment calls I made today.   
JOHN: what do you mean?   
DAD: In my haste to wedge in a measure of fun for you, to occupy your time in my absence, I neglected the fact that in the process...  
DAD: I broke a rule.   
JOHN: ...  
JOHN: you have my magic chest with you.   
DAD: Yes.  
DAD: It is fully intact, as well as immeasurably improved in several respects.   
JOHN: whoa, _what?!_  
JOHN: for real?????   
DAD: For entirely real.   
JOHN: ohmygosh. :D  
JOHN: :D :D :D :D :D   
DAD: HOO HOO HOO.  
DAD: OOps, Hoo hoo hoo.  
DAD: That is to say.   
JOHN: but ok wait, wait wait.  
JOHN: so that "appointment" you mentioned in your note...   
DAD: 100 percent related.  
DAD: It was very special. And very exclusive.  
DAD: To location, that is.  
DAD: One learns to make do in the face of inconvenience, though.   
JOHN: holy crap.   
DAD: Even so...  
DAD: I want to be clear about the fact that I erred despite my best intentions.  
DAD: One of the last lessons I want to teach you is that expending great lengths for love is enough on its own.  
DAD: With one of the first being that every prankster worth his salt knows when to hold back his pie-flinging hand.  
DAD: So...  
DAD: My utmost apologies to you, son.   
JOHN: ...  
JOHN: ...  
JOHN: hey, uh, dad.  
JOHN: for what it's worth...  
JOHN: i'm sorry for, you know. the other day.  
JOHN: and thanks.  
JOHN: oh, and apology accepted!! definitely.  
JOHN: ... aghhh, sorry, i'm-   
DAD: All of that,  
DAD: Is more than perfectly fine, son.   
JOHN: ... :)   
DAD: Ahhh.  
DAD: Phooey.  
DAD: Cellular phones are not my friend today.   
JOHN: what's wrong?   
DAD: Simply put:  
DAD: ...  
DAD: ......  
DAD: ...   
JOHN:    
DAD: It's dead, Jim.  
JOHN: _DAD_.  
DAD: Well, it's true. Mostly.  
DAD: Not enough that we cannot trade farewells, at least.  
JOHN: ok.  
JOHN: well...  
JOHN: have a safe flight, dad!! and i guess i'll see you for like...  
JOHN: a really late late dinner???  
DAD: Oh my.  
DAD: I'm rather stocked up on miscalculations today.  
JOHN: haha it's ok! really.  
JOHN: and anyway, my friends have got this movie streaming thing tonight...  
DAD: Sounds like a ball.  
JOHN: probably! they will all be there, after all.  
DAD: ... HOOoo.  
JOHN: hmm?  
DAD: Oh. Nothing.  
DAD: Be safe, John. I love you.  
JOHN: ok, bye!  
JOHN: love you too.

\-- End Phonelog --

  


   
\--  
 

\-- Open Dialoglog --

DAD: HOO HOO HOO.  
DAD: SOMETIMES, JUDE EGBERT...  
DAD: YOU MAKE IT RIGHT.  
DAD: Σ|:^)   


**Author's Note:**

> * This claim is prone to falsification on a case-by-case basis.


End file.
